By Helena, Pause Graduate and Advisory Group member
Have you ever asked yourself; ‘What’s the worst thing that can happen to someone?’ What would your answer be? For me, losing all hope is my answer. I have felt utterly and completely hopeless.
It all began with losing custody of my children, fighting to get them back, and failing; the system which I had faith in, crushed me and destroyed my family. I lost my children. I lost my identity. I lost all hope of a future. When someone loses all hope, they get swallowed in the dark. When you have no hope for the future, why bother to live through the pain and torture?
Pause came into my life when I had already made a few attempts on my life. My home life was chaotic, filled with PTSD symptoms, and carrying the pain of missing my children: worrying about them, wondering if they were okay. My heart shattered each time I wondered if they were crying for their mother, and I’m not there to give them the hugs and kisses they need.
Every day was spent counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds until the next time I got to see them and have them in my arms again. The pain kept swallowing me up. It felt like the only days my life was on play, were the ones when I was with my kids. The rest of the time, my life was on pause.
I didn’t do anything, I barely moved, barely washed, barely ate. My life, heart and soul were shattered. Ending my life seemed like the solution to the suffocating pain I was in. It was as if I could feel that my heart was shattered.
I had no hope that my life would ever get better, the future with my kids, as a mum, that I used to envision – could no longer happen. I didn’t know who I was without my kids. I couldn’t envision any happy future that was achievable, without having my kids, and anything I did envision just didn’t seem worth it in comparison to the future I had lost. The day I lost my kids, I lost all my hope.
Yet, two years after getting involved with Pause, here I am, alive, writing this, and feeling hopeful. And that is all thanks to Pause. The support, encouragement, empowerment and positivity changed my life. They helped me gain the confidence to get control of my home life, explore activities that helped my mental and physical health, they listened and advised, and never judged. The positivity they brought into my life, helped me climb out of the negative hole I was stuck in. I will always be incredibly grateful to Pause, and everyone that works there; the work they do is life changing. Without them, I genuinely would not be here today, and it’s thanks to them, I have my hope back.
About the writer
Helena is part of the Pause Advisory Group, influencing change within and outside of the charity. She loves animals and has a cat called Ragna. She also likes rock climbing. Helena is described by other panel members as a strong woman. She wants to be part of a movement to influence change in the systems that let her and her family down.
