By Heidi, Pause Graduate and member of the Advisory Group
To answer this, I must go back to the very beginning: it started when I joined the Pause Programme. Pause helps women to feel normal and rebuild their lives after the local authority system failed us. At that time, I felt alone, abandoned and did not know which way to turn. There was a group of us on the programme, so I discovered it was not just me. I won’t lie, I felt scared, but I went to one of the groups anyway. My motto is “Don’t knock it until you try it”!
I had a Pause practitioner who was very much like me and that helped a lot, as did the fact that neither she nor any of the other group members pre-judged me.
At our first meeting, we made gingerbread men and did art with a photo frame. I was quiet, which isn’t like me. I was just listening to the other women and the stories they were telling. I am dyslexic, so it takes me longer to process. But I was listening and absorbing and learning all the time.
The Pause Programme lasted 18 months and at the end of this, I graduated. Pause helped me a lot and I had learnt a lot, but I felt that there was more to do and that I could help other women who potentially were going to go through this trauma of losing their children due to challenging circumstances.
So when the opportunity to join the Pause Advisory Group came up, I thought I can do this and help to make changes. To make a difference. To help Pause itself to improve and develop its practices but also to help take steps towards changing the entire system. I want to make a difference for the women who are going through what I went through, to highlight the systemic failures and prejudices that are rife in the system. I myself am still trapped in that system and there is little sign of improvement.
Local authorities and the Family Courts are failing families in different areas. You would expect five years to be long enough for change but not from my experience. Local authorities should be pulling together and working consistently nationwide to put the system right.
Being with, and in Pause has made me a stronger person. I can now fight, not just for myself, but for those other women. For those who are abandoned after the loss of their children. Those children often taken away from them unjustly, those who are judged and suffer undeserved prejudice. To try and put it right for the women and children who are victims of the system now and in the future.
I am Heidi and I am here to make a difference and offer support for those women who need, want and deserve it. To tell them to “Believe in themselves”.
About the Writer
Heidi describes herself as the ‘mother hen’ of her Pause cohort. She was one of the first people to be invited to be part of the Pause Advisory Group influencing change within the charity and the wider system. Heidi is part of the Cafcass Family Forum, influencing their practice. She is a qualified chef, she does modelling for railways and also loves DIY and gardening.
